Let go...

Had an interesting experience today I'd like to share.

I'm currently working on my Master's thesis on challenges and recommendations for the implementation of school garden-to-cafeteria programs.  It's due in 6 weeks... so I have a degree of pressure on me now... that's really not that much time to finish such a huge report.  I actually found out two weeks ago that my due date would be a lot sooner than I expected... (let's just say it was a miscommunication between my supervisor and myself as to when my thesis would be due.)  So when I found this out, this critical piece of information, I started getting pretty stressed.  During the last two weeks, my work speed has really accelerated... as they say, "the best inspiration is the deadline."  That's really true for me, cause I'm a pro-crastinator.  As in, I'm generally pretty good at it.  I can wait til the last minute, cram for an exam and ace it.

But... I think somehow a Master's thesis is a bit different. I mean... a lot different.  

My brain is wired to procrastinate but... I dont think I can do that now.  If I turn in the thesis one day late, I fail.  Before I turn it in, I have to edit it, and print it. I can't just email it like I could my other reports that I sent the very minute they're due (yea, I did that).  It's not gonna work like that now.  I gotta get my shit together.

So knowing my patterns, I've been trying to push myself to work on it. Like, NOW. I've been telling myself, DO IT NOW. JUST DO IT, dammit. Like, pressuring myself, kinda.

But that hasn't been working that well. Especially in the last few days... it's like, I'm not listening to that voice. I dont wanna do it now. Fuck off.  I'm checking Facebook. Again.

So finally, today I said to myself, "Chill. Motivation comes in waves. If you don't wanna do it, don't.  Eventually you'll get tired of not doing it... and you'll do it."

And that's what happened... finally today I made some kind of breakthrough and got a really good start on my results section.  Which was a pretty big hurdle, cause I have 114 pages of transcribed interviews that I need to present as some kind of coherent narrative.

The moral of the story is that it's better not to worry and place pressure on oneself.  Just relax... and trust that you will do what you need to do when the time is right.

I always remember this one scene in Harry Potter when I think about stuff like this... when Harry and Ron and that girl were trapped in some kind of pit of monster-vines, and they were struggling to get out.  Ron got scared, and the vines wrapped around him tighter so that it became even more difficult to escape... and Harry told him that he needs to relax... cause the vines grip tighter when they sense fear.  So Ron took a deep breath... and then the vines let him go... and Harry and the girl too.

So that's what we have to do.  Don't worry... just take a deep breath. Trust yourself... it'll all work out :)

Oh, before I forget... another cool thing is that yesterday I was kind of meditating about the blossoming of a flower... cause I've been comparing my thesis to a flower that's still in the bud, forming the necessary parts internally before it blooms open and shows it's petals... u know?  Cause what I have now is very rough, it's unfinished... it's like groups of cells that haven't differentiated into clearly defined organs yet.  So I was contemplating this yesterday... and finally today, I feel like I'm seeing the very first petal =)  so I feel good about that.

thx for listening to my dork-out rant =P

appropriate pic: